Alien from L.A. (1989).

“You think I’m an alien?”

Directed by Albert Pyun

Written by Debra Ricci, Sandra Berg, and Albert Pyun

Starring Kathy Ireland, William R. Moses, Richard Haines, and absolutely zero aliens

The Stage.

A boring square from Los Angeles is thrust into a weird subterranean world when she goes to Africa on a search for her father but falls down a hole into the center of the earth. I feel pretty stupid because until the end of the film, I thought the movie was called Alien In L.A., and was sitting there like, “When are we actually going back to Los Angeles?” Later, I realized the title was stupid, because there are also no aliens in the film.

The Review.

In short, this movie is a steaming pile of ass. It’s like a combination of Alice in Wonderland and Journey to the Center of the Earth, but instead of finding a fantastical world full of adventure, Alice just fell down the hole and landed in a pond of thick diarrhea.

Enter, Kathy Ireland. Body of a goddess. Face of an angel. Voice of a Smurf. In 1988, her Barbazon modeling career had taken off and her agents must have felt like she’d outgrown her L.A. Gear contract, so Cannon Films gave her her first big break. From the very first moment Kathy Ireland is on screen, you’ll regret starting this film just because of her voice. I’ll give her some credit - after working on this film, I’ve read that she did a lot with vocalists to improve her delivery and cadence, but in Alien From L.A., she sounds like an oblivious eight-year-old continuously whining because her big brother took her toy. In the first scene, backed by epic soap opera we see Wanda’s boyfriend Robby breaking up with her because she’s scared of traveling which ruined his summer, and in his words, “Your glasses make you look stupid, your hair is ugly, you dress like a nerd, you walk like a clod, and your voice gives me a headache.” What a good dude. Then again, even her best friend kind of treats her like she’s a nuisance in the few scenes we see her in, so maybe she just needs a better support system.

Long story short, she gets a letter that her dad has died by falling into a hole in Africa, so in an effort to change so that she can win Robby back, she decides to get over her fear of flying and heads over there to see how her estranged dad lived. While there, finds a bunch of pictures her dad had of her showing that he probably did care about her, even if he hadn’t spoken to her in ten years even though there’s a phone in the same room as the photographs. She explores his space a bit and ends up falling down the same hole her pops did in a scene featuring CGI that is sure to give you a chuckle. Then we spend about eighty minutes in this weird community under the Earth that looks like a meld of Dennis Leary’s hideout in Demolition Man and your nearest sewer. Pretty sure this was Albert Pyun’s first crack at a dystopian land and he probably recycled the sets for his JCVD epic Cyborg which was filmed the following year. Unfortunately, it’s not half as fun as Cyborg, and that’s coming from someone who thinks Cyborg is a piece of shit. It drags along at a snails pace as we take Wanda through the ringer as the people in the underground wasteland think she’s some kind of alien. Watch for a poignant moment of character development as Wanda’s glasses get smashed and she just decides she doesn’t need glasses to see anymore.

Now I know what you’re thinking - does she get Robby back? Actually, no one is thinking that because he is a dickhead and she deserves better, but her time underground has certainly changed her. Hey Rob, remember when you said her glasses made her look stupid, her hair was ugly, she dressed like a nerd, walked like a clod, and her voice gave you a headache? Well in the last scene she’s not wearing glasses, her hair is wet from going in the ocean, she’s in a bikini, and even though she still walks like a clod and her voice is the same, you’re looking at an all new Wanda, you fuckin’ loser.

The End.

Alien From L.A. is a harmless film but it’s also pretty fun-less (new word, just made it up). Despite Kathy Ireland’s innocent charm hidden behind her glass-cracking voice, there just isn’t any joy or suspense to be derived from the movie. Understandably, the film failed to launch Kathy Ireland’s career, as the next year she would play ‘Credits Girl’ in Worth Winning and then played the character of Marie in Side Out, a feature-length adaptation of Top Gun’s volley ball scene.

Now I didn’t like Alien From L.A., but others did. Here’s a comment from rooprect on IMDB, they say, “What a great movie. With a dark, dusty visual style every bit as good as "Bladerunner", with costumes & props every bit as good as "Mad Max", with a totalitarian theme every bit as good as "THX-1138", and with a satirical wit every bit as deadpan as "Robocop", this film was quite an achievement.” I mean…wow. High praise from rooprect. Backboy36 says, “Most reviewers won't give it a break, but it is a good example of what I like about movies, it doesn't take itself seriously. It has a few good laughs and some action.” Easy to please, I dig it.