Alien Private Eye (1987).
The Stage.
Aliens from a planet called Sticks have taken up residence in Los Angeles, but they blend in because the only thing different about them is that they have pointy ears that they hide under hats. Some of the bad aliens have introduced a new, super addictive drug to the community that is wreaking havoc, and it’s up to a smitten alien private investigator named Lemric to stop the madness.
The Review.
There was a pretty good TV show in the late 90’s called Early Edition; it starred Kyle Chandler as a guy who would get the next day’s paper every morning that would essentially give him 24 hours to stop whatever bad stuff he found in it. One of the creators of that show was Vik Rubenfeld, and he’s used his clout from that show to teach others how to write for the screen. He now calls himself “The Suspense Guru”, and there’s even a little TM sign after it, which means he’s trademarked the moniker. It’s odd, considering he’s never written anything else aside from that show…except for one little gem from 1987 called Alien Private Investigator, which also happens to be the only thing he’s ever directed. So let’s see what we can learn from the Suspense Guru by diving into his sci-fi, noir mashup.
He wrote an article called “How to make the audience care about your protagonist”, and gives a tip that “the main character has something sad or even tragic that happens to them soon after the story starts, or some time before the story started.” None of that here. There’s nothing to like about Lemro, the titular dick. He’s an alien from a planet called Sticks and is vacationing on Earth to get to know human beings. He dresses like he sprinted through a Michael Jackson cosplay store and just kept whatever stuck to him from the racks and lacks any kind of interpersonal skills. He refers to women’s breasts as “major league yabbos” and has one friend, a surfer named Rob. He does, however, know karate, and also spontaneously breaks into dance when he enters his apartment, so if you’re into that kind of thing, I suppose Lemro is a catch.
He’s played by Nico Hill who was in a few z-grade action films after this with meaty roles like Thug #3 and Karate Guy. I looked him up on IMDB and his profile is kind of bizarre and refreshingly honest - it reads, “Nico grew up in a home where addictions, the occult, violence, betrayals, physical and mental abuse were normal. He began drinking at an early age to numb the pain and fill the hole in his heart, spirit and soul. He went on to become one of the pioneers of cage fighting, and fought in Russia and Brazil. He then went into acting and acted in over 30 action movies. As his fame and finances grew his addiction to alcohol, became an addiction to pornography, sex, adrenaline, power, and drugs lasting roughly 15 years. Because of a bad lifestyle he had dropped down to 130 pounds, stuttered as he tried to speak while his hands shook uncontrollably.” Seems he’s a minister now, which I can only assume he’s better at than acting.
I do want to take a second and give a shoutout to Lemro’s friend Rob. He just kind of pops in here and there and adds nothing to the story, but he’s doing his best Jeff Spiccoli impression and looked like he was just having the best time. He’s played by some guy named Nur Nur Cummings, yes, Nur Nur, and if I had to guess, I’d say he probably got paid for his work on the film with a couple of nickels and a six-pack of Heineken.
Anyway, some bad aliens from Sticks come down and introduce the most addictive drug known to man. According to Lemro, if you shoot the stuff five times, you’re addicted for life and if you try to quit, you DIE. He knows who the bad guys are though, so he’s going to try to stop them. The aliens in this look just like humans, save for their ears, which are pointy - nothing a zoot suit hat or some big hair can’t hide. The rest of the movie sees the bad guys looking for the other half of a Macguffin disc and Lemro and a few other alien pals trying to keep his new girlfriend safe. At one point, her brother and Lemro are introduced to the drug without their consent and we get to watch them try to shake it cold turkey for a bit near the end of the film. The big bad has a gold skull and crossbones adhered to his front tooth and it shoots acid. Definitely an interesting, although very unsafe weapon that I don’t think I’ve seen before in a film.
The movie has a charming cheapness to it - everything was clearly done on a shoestring budget and it definitely shows. There’s a particularly amusing car chase as a car driving all alone on a four lane street just decides to drive straight into the back of a parked car so it can blow up. We also get some amusing laser blasts near the end of the movie that are really poorly done, but again, this adds to the low budget passion project charm.
The End.
After seeing Alien Private Eye, I probably wouldn’t trust Vik Rubenfeld to teach me how to write for the screen, but I would definitely watch it again with a few friends who were ready to laugh and have a good time. As inept as the entire movie is, it’s also a blast. It’s so bad that it’s never boring, and right when you stop laughing from Lemro doing his best Billie Jean dance moves, something else absurd takes it’s place, like the least passionate sex scene you might ever see on screen, which is followed by the woman saying, in the most bored cadence imaginable, “I’ve never felt anything like that.”, making you feel sorry for the young lass.
This Vinegar Syndrome release is Alien Private Eye’s first disc release ever as the film long languished solely on VHS until now. It’s a 4K scan of the original negative and features a commentary track from the director that I need to check out and interviews with the director, the cinematographer, and Lemro himself, Nico Hill.
