Malibu High (1979).

“I may be a hooker, but I’m not a hitgirl.”

Directed by Irvin Berwick

Written by John Buckley and Thomas Singer

Starring Jill Lansing, Jill Lansing’s boobs, and a revolving door of gross men

The Stage.

Kim is flunking out of school and her boyfriend left her for a rich girl. During a night of reflection in which she and her best friend drink and smoke weed, she decides she’s going to turn things around and graduate at the top of her class. Great goals, to be sure, but Kim doesn’t plan on studying.

The Review.

This is a very weird, very dark film. From the cover alone, Malibu High looks like a standard late-70’s/early 80’s teenage high school comedy that could sit in the same lane as Screwballs or Fast Times, but it’s pretty early on in the film when you realize this film is going in a completely different direction as Kim rolls out of bed naked, lights a cigarette, and heads to the breakfast table to call her mom a stupid bitch.

See, Kim isn’t interested in studying to better her grades, no, she’s going to bang her way to the top of the class. To earn some cash, she becomes a hooker, working for a local pimp named Tony who looks like he was plucked from the catalog of Uncle Rico lookalikes, van and all. And this plan works.

Luckily for Kim, everyone that works at her school are scumbags hot for underage women. She bangs her history teacher, her biology teacher, and even gets the principal to her house so that she can try to seduce him, and then it turns into sort of a hitman film when Kim starts working for another pimp who only caters to what he calls “exclusive clients”.

The story is certainly unique but never feels like it really heads anywhere meaningful. Kim’s academic career is fucked because she’s a lazy student, and instead of actually trying to put in a semblance of work, she chooses the path of least resistance for both her grades and literally every penis in Malibu. As the “protagonist” of the story, she’s extremely unlikable. She’s a petty, vengeful sloth with nary a redeeming quality. She mistreats her mother, who is a bit high-strung but is also clearly still grieving after her husband’s suicide two years earlier by telling her point blank that she’s ugly and that’s probably why her dad hung himself. Her ex-boyfriend is a dick, but he’s like 17 years old. Move on and get on with your life. It also never feels like there’s a reason that Kim wants to finish the school year at the top of her class. Clearly she doesn’t care about school and it doesn’t seem like she cares about having a job, so why is this so important to her?

The film is competently shot but the acting is terrible. Standout scenes include some girl standing up in class to explain a part of an Industrial Revolution lesson that looks like she’s never acted before and is reading off of giant cue cards off screen and Kevin’s acting when a woman is shot dead right in front of him and his level of concern barely rivals that of someone who’s chips might be stale after they left the bag open sitting on the counter overnight. The dialogue often feels stilted and weird until Kim is heated. Ironically, that’s when the acting feels the most real. The tone of the film also feels funky, as some scenes, like Kim trying to talk to her all-but-deaf principal, are played as a slapstick comedy and feel like they belong to another film altogether. I should also mention that the music choices are odd, as it starts with a banging Monkees-style song and then has these non-sensical Pac-Man-like sounds when certain scenes transition. Be sure to listen for the insane placement of the People’s Court theme song during the climax of the film.

The End.

After consuming Malibu High, I couldn’t help but wonder who the audience for this film was. Obviously it feels like a kind of grindhouse film, but the violence is all very tame. We never see bullet holes and aside from cutting back to a guy with a gunshot wound, there’s not much blood at all. It’s got nothing appealing for teens of the era either, as the high school hijinks are at a minimum and the nudity, while plentiful, is about as unsexy as nudity in films get north of rape scenes.

Times have obviously changed and I’m sure the film is a lot less fun now. Watching a guy tell her that he’s the only dirty old man she’s going to have to worry about might have been endearing in the 70’s but it will just make your skin crawl now, as will the turn to prostitution which is played off in the film as a very light and airy decision by our leading lady.

On the bright side, at least we get to see some awesome late-70’s fashion and decor, that’s always a treat.