Panther Squad (1984).
1. (The Plot)
In the future, there’s a new United Nations (called the New Order of Nations, or N.O.O.N.) that is ready to start exploring and settling in space. Unfortunately, an international terrorist group called Clean Space is against space pollution and they don’t want humans littering in zero gravity like they did on Earth. When Space Clean takes an astronaut hostage, it’s up to Ilona the Panther and her team of sexy commandos to bring her back and take out the space trash. Also, absolutely nothing happens in space, it all happens on Earth.
2. (The Good)
Frank Bramble, the man who puts the women on the space case is the lone bright spot here. Oh, and the opening theme song called ‘Tough and Tender’, which rips over a montage of women shooting pistols at paper targets. Unfortunately, those are the only bullet holes we see.
3. (The Bad)
Everything else. Now look, I didn’t go into Panther Squad thinking that I was going to see a masterpiece, but as an 80’s action film, it fails on every level. This is not a B movie - this is a Z movie. It’s not even so bad that it’s good, it’s just sort of…lame. It lacks the qualities that 80’s action B movies thrived on - violence and nudity. It’s just about PG in its level of violence and the closest you get to seeing anyone naked is in the outfit Sybil Danning wears on the VHS box cover (which she never wears in the film). Action scenes that are slow as molasses. The editing is beyond atrocious, with weird discolored zooms when most hand-to-hand combat happens, most likely to cover up the boom mic entering the frame here and there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more poorly edited film, and I’ve seen a lot of shit. Oh, and the special effects? Watch as, in the climax of the film, Ilona pulls out a special ray gun from nowhere that slowly emits a thick blue erection until it just makes everything it nudges disappear. Truly one for the ages.
4. (The Ugly)
Here’s a compilation of the “action” from this film. Watch that and tell me it’s not the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen.
5. (The End)
What else can I say? If you’re looking for something entertaining, skip this crap. It’s not worth a look. It can’t even get being terrible right.
