The 2nd (2020).
I’ve said it before - I love a good ‘Die Hard in a _____’ film. The plot of The 2nd is basically ‘Die Hard in Cal Poly’ (complete with a ‘Christmas in LA’ timestamp), but ends up feeling like a conservative’s wet dream that just plopped out of the Walmart Redbox. It’s movie in which the pesky bad guys try everything they can to abolish the 2nd amendment (the right to keep and bear arms), only to be foiled by a tough, white, gun-toting patriot.
This plot is trash. A tortured Delta Force vet goes to pick up his estranged son from school for winter break. The cute daughter of a Supreme Court judge who has to make some type of landmark judgement on the 2nd amendment also goes to the school. Unfortunately for both of them, the director of the CIA wants the 2nd amendment to go away (“For better, more responsible times.”), so he has a couple of terrible assassins head to Cal Poly to snag the girl as leverage. Of course, they didn’t count on Vic Davies being there…
“It’s your shot.”
- Director Phillips
Ryan Phillippe (who you may know from I Know What You Did Last Summer and Cruel Intentions, a movie in which he tries to fuck his step-sister before Brazzers made it the cool thing to do) plays Vic Davies, a man who once let his partner burn to a crisp while they were protecting a Presidential hopeful (who literally says the words “…if it was up to me, I would arm every man, woman, and child in this country who was a patriot, and a true defender of our constitution…” and then hides behind others, cowering as his detail is chewed to bits), but now just wants to take his son to a cabin to do man things, like shooting and riding dirt bikes. Casper Van Dien plays the lead bad guy, who is great at killing untrained security guards and people without guns, but that’s about it. Oh, and he totes around a cane for absolutely no reason and leads a team of assassins(?) who are in the movie wearing whatever they had on when they left their real apartments that day. Then there’s Vic’s son Sean, and Erin (the daughter of the judge), but I’m just fucking bored writing this already.
This movie is basically propaganda that has no charm, no wit, no heart, no continuity, contrived, nonsensical action, and dialogue that feels like it was written by a third grader. Take this exchange between Vic and some guy that is about to get filled with bullet holes during an expositional car ride:
Vic - “(Sean) doesn’t call much. He’s busy with his play.”
Guy in back seat - “Ah, as in theater.”
Vic - “Yep.”
Riveting exchange.
“We’re going to a cabin. You know…like in the woods.”
- Sean
Thanks, glad you cleared that up for us, Sean. Don’t want to get it mixed up with all of those cabins in downtown Los Angeles.
But hey, people aren’t watching movies like this because they want a great story or exercises of verbal back and forth, they’re watching because they want to see stuff get shot and explode! If that’s your motive, you’re in luck - you’ve got guns with unlimited bullets, people who take major beatings and just keep going (including a guy taking multiple weight sets straight to the face that appear to have about as much affect as bouncing a fucking junior mint off of your skull), and explosions. There’s even someone with a rocket launcher, who has the choice of firing the rocket at two cars - one that the people are hiding behind and one that’s by itself…and she picks the isolated car. Oh, and Mr. Phillippe gets to wail on a couple of different women here - but at least it’s just pretend this time!
People already got their checks cut for this and I’m sure no one who worked on it is going to defend it as high art, but i really hate shitting on someone’s art; normally I like to point out some good things about the film while highlighting some constructive criticism, but this movie is fucking garbage. It’s wrapped in 2nd amendment commentary (“it’s not about the people you killed, it’s about the lives you saved.”) straight down to the cover art, which features the quote “Family comes first.” plastered across a waving American flag. The director has been quoted as saying that the movie has “…a great message”, but I’m not really sure what that message is, aside from “guns aren’t really that bad, as long as you’re killing bad guys.” Luckily, we’ll get to see a sequel! The movie ends with a ridiculous cliffhanger and according to the director, there’s already a script written. Will it be called The 2nd 2? Maybe it’ll be called the 3rd and they can make a whole franchise featuring movies that focus on upholding constitutional amendments!
You want one highlight? It’s Lexi Simonsen as Erin. She’s pretty good. Unfortunately she’s got no one to bounce off of. I guess there’s also a cool shot of a stunt double engulfed in flames. Now I feel better!
