Action USA (1989).
1. (The Stage)
Carmen’s boyfriend hid a bunch of diamonds. We don’t know where he got them, why he hid them, or why she’s with him, but that’s the setup. After he’s offed by two hitmen, some FBI agents named Osborn and McKinnon snap her up to protect her. Three more hitmen are hot on their trail, and…blah, blah, blah…no one cares about the plot, you’re here for the stunts, goddammit.
2. (The Good)
If you’re going to call your film Action USA, you’d better have some action. This film does not let us down in that respect. The director (John Stewart) was a stuntman up to this point, so he made sure to fill the film with people hanging out of helicopters, cars jumping stuff for no reason, explosions, bar fights, and people flying off of buildings. The action is done pretty well, especially for what I assume was a pretty shoestring budget.
The entertainment value of this film is off the charts. Stunts aside, this movie is one of those “so bad it’s good” gems. At one point, a station wagon is run off the road by a car chase and drives through the corner of a house. The homeowner, who’s sitting outside drinking a beer, because…”Texas”, says, “Hey, you just drove through my bedroom!” Instead of getting out of the car like an actual human being who may have just inadvertently killed someone inside the home, the driver of the station wagon rolls down the window, says “Sorry about your house, buddy!”, and drives away as the house explodes (!) into a thousand pieces. That’s what kind of movie this is, so buckle in and fucking enjoy it.
3. (The Bad)
Stunts aside, everything in this movie is bad. The script is dumber than a bag of hammers. Editing and continuity gaffs rear their head at every turn. Visible harnesses and stunt helmets. One liners fall flat. Every character is about as stupid as characters get. The entire film looks like it was done in one square block in Central Texas. I mean, it’s definitely a bad movie, but it’s entertaining as heck because of it.
A scene at a Texas honkey tonk is a perfect example of how dumb this film is. The FBI agents pull into a huge Texas bar while on the run because…well, no reason, really. The FBI agents leave the girl (who is supposedly a very valuable witness for no reason at all) alone while they go to walk around the bar. The villains show up, because in this film they always magically show up to wherever the FBI agents try to hide. Instead of trying to sneak out, Osborn punches one of the bar patrons, yells “FIGHT!”, and the entire bar stops dancing and starts punching one another for absolutely no reason. You’d think that this would be enough to allow our heroes to escape, but one is busy getting repeatedly thrown through thin wooden lattice and the girl decides that instead of hiding, she’s going to get up on stage and sing a song with the band. Once she’s done belting her tune, everyone stops fighting so that they can line up and congratulate her on a song well sung like she’s some kind of karaoke phenom.
The villains are basically just Jason Vorhees with cowboy hats, but without the skill of the kill. They’re led by Drago, a bafflingly feared hitman who couldn’t shoot the ocean from a boat. These clowns are so bad at their job that they capture all three of the heroes at different times and each of them escape with ease. They don’t kill one person, even though they always happen to know where the heroes are in a state that claims to be the biggest. The most glaring example of their incompetence happens when they capture the girl (yet again) and while on foot, decide that the best course of action is to go up the stairs of a very large building (quite literally just to have a set piece in which someone gets thrown off of the building). When at the top, Osborn and Drago fight. Carmen decides to insert herself into the fight by hitting Drago in the back with a piece of wood that has nails sticking out of it. Drago (a professional hitman) yells some profanities and scurries away. The next scene, our heroes are on the road again. So you’re telling me that he got hit by this board in the back (the nails didn’t even hit him) and then he just walked down 30 floors of steps and just left?
4. (The Ugly)
About the only ugly thing in this movie (aside from the Central Texas “scenery”) is the wardrobe. Panama McKinnon rocks a dark suit with white socks while sporting a belt and suspenders (his pants are going NOWHERE), Osborn looks like he was working a sting operation as a homeless vet, and Drago (the only one with an excuse) is dressed up as what he perceives as Texan because, “You heard of Rome? When I’m in Texas, I dress like a Texan.”
5. (The End)
If you’re considering watching a film called Action USA, you’re probably not expecting high art. You’re expecting some off-the-wall stunts, cheesy one liners, and characters with the depth of a cardboard box. In that regard, Action USA delivers the goods. Vinegar Syndrome put out an awesome looking Blu-ray as part of their VSA line and they always produce a quality product. The new transfer was scanned from the original 35mm source. In addition to the movie, there’s a group commentary that I have yet to dig into, an interview with Gregory Scott Cummins (who played Osborn), and more.
Strap your fucking seatbelt on and go for this ride, you won’t regret it.
