Cthulhu Mansion (1992).
“I was playing with a power beyond my control.”
Directed by J.P. Simon
Written by J.P. Simon
Starring Frank Finlay, Marcia Layton, Brad Fisher, Melanie Shatner, and Kaethe Cherney
1. (The Stage)
When you realize you only bought this for the slipcover.
Cthulhu Mansion forces us to follow a pack of cookie-cutter punk bad guys who, for some reason, botch a drug deal at the county carnival and proceed to carjack the magician who was performing D level magic tricks at the carnival, along with his daughter. Hunted by the cops and the drug dealers they ripped off, the gang goes to the magician’s mansion, where they slowly find out that they’re the real ones held captive. If this sounds like an awesome setup for a wild film, well…I apologize for getting your hopes up.
2. (The Good)
An example of the makeup, which of course was inconsistent from shot to shot.
I always try to start any review off with the good things about the film, so I guess I’ll say this - this one was slightly more entertaining than Vinegar Syndrome’s other January releases…but not by much. The picture looks nice - VS did a great job with the new 2K scan from the 35mm elements.
There were some effective jump scares and the special effects were all done practically - I actually thought they looked pretty good…the only problem was that they were used so sparingly. We barely got a chance to see them until the last five minutes of the film. The standout moment of the film was a scene in which one of the villains walks into the kitchen for a late night snack and gets pulled into the fridge by some giant troll hands. I’d have liked to see more zaniness in the mansion.
3. (The Bad)
I guess the both the shower drain and refrigerator lead to the back seat of a station wagon.
Yet another PG-13 horror film that should have leaned into it’s premise. Yep, that means no gore, no nudity. This is even more disappointing considering it’s from the director of Pieces and Slugs! How can those films be so bananas and this one ended up so tame!
The characters are all so bland. We get the cut-and-paste leather wearing punk bad guys here that are just bad because they’re bad. No characterization, no depth, just evil for the sake of being evil. They’re like four minimally different versions of Streets of Rage expendables. The father is probably the most interesting character here, a man wrestling with the guilt of burning his wife alive while performing a satanic ritual gone bad, but don’t ask me how a carnival magician is able to afford a mansion. The acting is bad, but not bad enough that it’s fun to watch. It’s just bland.
If you’re here for the mention of H.P. Lovecraft on the box art. “From the imagination of H.P. Lovecraft”, it says. Aside from the word “Cthulhu” on a notebook in the house, this film has nothing to do with the Cthulhu mythology.
4. (The Ugly)
Don’t fuck with the lady of the house.
I’m really curious about what happened to the guy in the shower. He drowned in a shower that filled up with blood, and then disappeared, which means that somehow, that motherfucker went down the drain.
5. (The End)
The worst swami ever.
Another snoozer from Vinegar Syndrome. It’s not fun enough to warrant a recommendation, which is a shame because I’m a sucker for a good crazy possessed house film. Although the practical effects look good, they just don’t get enough screen time. This is an early 90’s film that feels like a late 80’s film.
If there’s one word that I wouldn’t expect to call a J.P. Simon film, it’s “boring”. Consider me disappointed.
On the extras side, we get a documentary that’s better than Cthulhu Mansion. It’s called The Simon’s Jigsaw: A Trip To The Universe of Juan Piquer Simon that goes through the director’s life and work. We also get an interview with Colin Arthur, the special effects artist.
